Bitter and twisted Valentine's Day?

Well it's Feb 14th, Valentine's day and I'm single so it time for a rant! Or not as the case may be! This year is the first V day in about 10 years that I've been single, and it actually feels okay. Yes of course I would have loved my partner to be waking me up first thing in the morning, kissing me all over with birds singing in the back ground and the smell of some fresh flowers in the air, but I can live without it :)

So, if I'm not going to rant about that, what I am going to put down, in what seems to be my random blog, oh I know! Nutcracker, nope not a statue, or a sexual position, but the ballet choreographed by Matthew Bourne. Now I'm a keen ballet fan, I love the grace, the elegance, the beauty of the dance, and the costumes. I would have loved to be a ballerina, I know it's hard work and it can be a cut throat business, but I'm captivated, and especially so by Matthew Bourne productions. He has a way of taking a ballet and turning into a fun spectacle that is enjoyable to all ages, without losing the essence of ballet. The costumes, are fun and colourful, the dance movements special, and the atmosphere is intoxicating.

I been to see Matthew Bourne's Nutcracker three times now, his version of swanlake once, and the carman once. This time round I took my younger cousin along, as she is a young dancer, I thought she would appreciate the experience, which she did and we talked about it all the way back home, which was one of the reason I don't want to take her to more ballets!

You see I have a horrible and dark secret. I am totally jealous of my younger cousin, now this of course would probably be a normal thing if we where round the same age, and sex. But we are not, well physically not anyway, she is just over half my age, and a GG. A ballet dancer since a baby, has a dancers body, and is quite short (I hate being tall btw), keeps her own horse, and gets to wear some of the best items of fashion any girl could dream off. So too me she is what I would have wanted to be! Now this dose causes a bit of a problem, as when we are together and talking about things we have in common, ballet, horses and gossip, I show more of my true self then I should do, and this is starting to get noticed! Now I've always done my best to hide the fact that I feel like I should have been born female, and that one day this will be corrected, but there is a pretence that I need to keep up until I am ready, and people noticing now is not what I want. So when people do start noticing it, instead of being a friend to my cousin, I 'pick' on her in a joking way, but always with a little malice, that she seems not to notice. I am glad she doesn't notice, as I don't really want her to get hurt, but at the same time, when I say the things I do want her to get hurt, conflicting yes, logical no. So what to do, I've been trying to work out a way to resolve this, and I think I've found it, I'm going to ignore her, not in a nasty way, but in a way that would seem normal, by not talking about the things we have in common, and not taking to her to the ballets I go and see. I know the jealousy will still be there, after all in my mind she has almost the perfect life, but I will control it without being horrible, as being horrible is a nasty feeling that I don't like, especially directed at a member of your own family!