Diaries and Bullies

Well, it's been a while, again, since I last updated. I was always good at keeping a diary, but never seem to mange the who blog thing, maybe it's too open, even though I'm sure nobody comes here, it is still public after all. I sometimes wonder what would it be like if someone found my diaries, I've managed for years to hide them from everyone, and they go back from when I was 9, and they have quite a bit about me in them, something that should probably be inside my head alone.

Any way, what have I been up to over the past few weeks. I've had a few more riding lessons, doing quite well, the horse knows who's in change, him! But sometimes he allows me to pretend that I know what I'm doing, very sweet I think. I've managed to gain weight, which needs to be corrected! And I managed to go shopping several times and not buy anything, and I do mean anything, is that really still shopping or hopelessly looking? Founds lots of cloths I love, but not managed to buy them. No wonder the county looks like it's in a downward economic spiral, if all the girls in the country are doing the same thing, saving the pennies for the perfect outfit, then I'm not surprised the high street is feeling the pinch. The silly thing is I don't know why I'm not buying, I want to and know that I can afford them, but I just don't buy.

Umm, I think that's it. Well no it's not, I've been thinking recently of my childhood and how much I've always kept from my family group, and not just that I'm a TG although I think all my secrets stem from this, but also simply things like when I was being bullied as a child, which unfortunately did happen quite a bit. This kind of all steams from a post at Angles, http://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/viewtopic.php?t=7208&highlight=, and it's made me revaluate my life to date. Not really much to revaluate, but it has highlighted that I've always managed on my own rather the with others, funny really because I always want to spend as much time with my family as possible and to help wherever I can, but I don't want help from them in the one place I think I could probably do with it.

I know that after my wife and I split I no longer had someone really close to me that knew my secret and who I could rely on to always watch out for my feminine side exposing me, something I asked her to do as I don't want any to know me. Without her I have found that I have little control on how I act other then just as me. It is funny, something's that my family and friends pick up on, and sometimes even comment on, nobody really says anything other then acknowledge another quirk, I'm not too sure of many 30 year olds, that like ballet, riding, ice skating and reading, let alone males, but it's always been apart of me and they let it go. I did think at one point my mother wanted me to come out, she even gave me a great opportunity! She was telling me about how her and my Nan, who she speeds a lot of time with, have no secrets from each other, even the ones from the past have all come out in the open, and she said that she though it's the way it should be, and asked if I shared all my secrets with her. Well what can a girl say. Umm no mother I haven't shared everything with you, And I think it's best that something's are left as secrets! She wasn't taken aback by it from what I could see, and she knew there was something, but I didn't lie, although I have the feeling she thinks I'm gay, which doesn't overly bother me as I see nothing wrong with what people want to identify with as long s they are not harming others. I have in the past been caught cross dressing, but I don't identify with a cross dresser, as I can ware masculine cloths and still feel and, sometimes annoyingly, act as a female, but I was young and it's something my dad said was a phase, umm I suppose he's right, I mean life is just a phase :), so I'm sure it's something on her mind, but not the whole truth. Maybe all my family and friends know and are waiting for me to tell them, and there be like that took you ages, and I'll be pretty pissed to say the least for not being brave enough to say anything earlier. Or maybe when I do come out and tell people that I'm a TG and that I want to change completely I might find myself alone, hmm maybe I shouldn't dwell on that, because I do want to transition, but I don't want to hurt my family.

Oh well. Back to the old diary thing I suppose, there is something to be said about diaries, you place all your thoughts and feelings in them, so you know you've had them, and then you deny them to the world. Maybe I should take one last read over the life I've had so far, and them commit them to the either of time, then my secrets will only be in one place, somewhere so complicated and somewhat unorganised that even I couldn't reveal them :), at least then when I do leave this plain of existence, people can look back of there memories, and hopefully that would be better then my diaries!